Sunday, April 01, 2018

Beatcroft Social rebooted! Full playlist and Tom checks out of hospital specially…


Well, I must say...that was an interesting experience. Easter Saturday: The rebooted Beatcroft Social is due to go out live for two hours on the launch of the renewed and rebooted Shetland Webcams website, and key to our six-week crowdfunding campaign ‘Redeye’ aimed at securing the future of the project.


A new binaural audio setup at Sumburgh Head; loads of work done by Andy and Iain to get the show
on the digital road; much preparation by yours truly, a great playlist (in my opinion) and…


I’m in hospital. Have been since Good Friday night. Complications (suspected) from my angioplasty
after Christmas. Will I get out in time? Have a heart!


Well, it was all looking good at 10.00am, but by 4.00pm, still in my jammies, still in Ward 3 of the
great Gilbert Bain Hospital, I was becoming concerned. I had been given the go ahead to present the
show, but there was a blood test and drugs to get...if the blood test was normal, all was, if you will, go.


It was. Prescription filled, not at the Chelsea Drugstore, and off I trundled to the studio. Not in my
jammies. Though I’m not sure that blinding orange fleece was much of an improvement.


And we had a great night. I hope you enjoyed it if you were watching and/or listening, and of course t
he entire show is streaming (audio only) on Mixcloud here



The weather was wonderful, and the cameras, from 7.00-9.00pm (Shetland Time) showed some truly
spectacular scenes, including a ‘supermoon’ rising over Bressay, a wonderful sunset and the
beginnings of the season’s bird activity at Sumburgh Head. Heard binaurally due to our new and
excellent audio tech.


It was brilliant to hear from folk throughout the world - Hawaii, California, all over the UK and Europe
and beyond - and the generosity of supporters worldwide in giving to our ‘Redeye’ crowdfunding
campaign has humbled us all. Thank you so much. Anyone who wants to contribute can do so
here. And remember there are all sorts of incentives - mugs, T-shirts, a special, private
midsummer online gig - as well as namechecks and belonging to our exclusive Redeye club.
If we have a club, which I’m sure we do...


We’re back live next Saturday, with our regular Shetland Sunday Teas round-up and more
features. I’m sure my health will hold up, but hey, the Gilbert Bain Hospital is only a couple of
minutes from the studio.  Meanwhile, here’s the playlist for Saturday night. Happy to try and
fulfil your requests, by the way, if they’re not too obscure. Thank you all so much
- and thanks to Shetland Broadband for sponsoring the show. See you soon.


The Jam: That’s Entertainment
Brinsley Schwarz: What’s So Funny (About Peace, Love and Understanding)
Paul McCartney: Wanderlust
Martin Stephenson and the Daintees: Wholly Humble Heart
Wilson Pickett: Let’s Get An Understanding
Rod Stewart: You Wear It Well
Chris Difford: 1975
Glenn Tilbrook and the Fluffers: The Best of Times
T Rex: Jeepster
Kim Richey: Wreck Your Wheels
Gretchen Peters: The Aviator’s Song
Manic Street Preachers: Dylan and Caitlin
Tom Russell and Eliza Gilkyson: The Sparrow of Swansea
Any Trouble: The Trouble With Love
Elvis Costello: Pump It Up
Flamin’ Groovies: Shake Some Action
Culture: Two Sevens Clash
Lee Dorsey, Betty Harris: Love Lots of Lovin’
Dropkick: Out of Tune
Rubinoos: I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
Shocking Blue: Send Me a Postcard
Incredible String Band: The Hedgehog Song
Son of the Chief: Seasons Change
Richard and Linda Thompson: I Want To See the Bright Lights Tonight

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

This is the end, beautiful friend...aw, come on guys..Shetland, Series Four, the final episode. It was all a dream

Douglas Henshall issued a warning on Friday night that this final episode of Shetland, Series Four was going to be so disturbing you should "be around people you like." Possibly because you'd be so upset by the sheer dramatic potency of the experience, and therefore needing succour and comfort. Or perhaps so infuriated by the storyline's bonkersness you'd lash out in fury at anyone you didn't like, potentially providing some business for your local Perezes and Toshes...put that empty bottle of Shetland Reel gin down...slowly...



Anyway, I hope you found a suitable shoulder to weep on/an enemy to shout abuse at/a cat to kick/wall to headbutt. 

Also on Twitter during the week, this interchange: Ian Rankin claims - claims - to know nothing of any beach barbecue or Rebus having a fling with twin sisters called Killiecrankie. A likely story!

Note: Broch, not a kiln. Nor, for that matter, a tattie hoose or sheep fank, both of which are quite, quite different from a kiln. Unless you're making a TV crime show, of course.

Before plunging recklessly into the peat bog of confusion and misdirection which is the final episode of Shetland, Series Whatever It Is, a word: and that word is Lerwick, or Lerrick. Or as Minnie Mouatt from Unst told me, Lerook. Doogie (if he was here he would tell you) and other members of the cast have been told to say Lerrick, which, in the casual mouths of deep-dyed non-Shetland dialect speakers, (reverse-knappin' is the term, as opposed to knappin, which is when native Shetlanders speak precise English) sounds ingratiating and incorrect. The accents are a hilariously semi-Skoattissch mess, in truth, apart from the indefatigable and woefully under-used Steven Robertson, who Really Does Come From Here. Not that this will bother Douglas Henshall, according to top thriller scribe Christopher Brookmyre (SWEARINESS ALERT!)
Thanks for that Douglas. Always a pleasure. Right, here we go:
Yooz talking' tae me? Ah'm the oanly wan heer pal. Who the hell else wid ye be talkin' tae? Help ma boab!

Chilling, says the continuity person, it's a chilling series finale. Don't know about you, but I am chilled. And cue the drone, the eye of God: It's the Volvo, giving it Scandic car all over the place. Jimmy's pea jacket meanders moodily towards the Wildlife Sanctuary (where are the animals?) and a hunted looking Donna Killick. And we're looking at the beach barbecue on 8mm (transferred digitally; film is always better. Go Analogue!) Alan's father? Gone by then, says Donna. 'Duncan and Lizzie seemed quite close, don't they?'
 Dunc's in trouble!

'Who is Duncan, anyway?' Over to you, Tosh. Take a deep breath: 'He was DI Perez's late wife's first husband, the father of his step daughter.' Chinatown without the sordid bits! No wonder scary Glasgow eyebrows detective is looking shell shocked. And here's Jimmy at Duncan's house. Picture of the deadly scarf that strangled LIzzie Kilmarnock and...it's deffo Duncan's. We've seen the video.

'Any idea how it got wrapped around the neck of a dead girl?'
Dunno. Maybe the scarf is...haunted? Like...a magic scarf? Shetland knitwear has special powers, after all
'You're going to have to tell me about you and Lizzie Kilmuir.'
Perez is looking hungover, very unshaven and in need of some blood pressure tablets, or a drink. Or both.
'Cassie's Alan's half brother, isn't he?' Well, yeah. But naw. But....you wont't mind giving me a DNA, ya swab? Let it go, Jimmy, we love each other.
 Naw. Ah cannae dae that Dunc. Geeza a swab ya bam. It's Chinatown! Nope, It's Taggart, baby, but with seagull noises.
It wisnae like this in Line of Duty

And here's Thomas Malone, lurking at what is clearly  Loch Thom, just above Greenock,  with trees and a shotgun, giving it beer can destruction all over the place. Never mind, he'll be back in Shetland momentarily. Doubtless via Gourock and the Dunoon ferry.

Dunc gets swabbed. Eyebrow tec is upset at not being kept in the loop. Julie the Stern Fiscal says wait and see. We're at Lizzie's grave with Kate and her daughter. And then we're not.

Sandy breaks the news to the team:  It's Duncan's DNA on the scarf and he's Alan Killick's dad, and unless I get more to do in the  next series, I'm off. Possibly to Wick, or worse, maybe River City. 

Well, holy genetics, Batman! It's Second Dad! Does Mark Bonnar want out that badly? Does Craiglang beckon for him too?
'He's just another suspect'. Aye, right. Let's head off to the awfy dear Fjogstad kit house with the balcony. 
'Duncan Hunter, you are being detained because it clearly wasn't you.' Nice house. Good beard. Jimmy wants a beard like that. He's been trying to grow one for six weeks.

'This is Shetland so it's always personal.' Aw come on, no way is dad interviewing dad. I'm with eyebrow woman and every other real cop watching this. Anyway, to the interview, and Duncan  admits having a do in 1993 with Donna Killick (and getting her pregnant) but he didn't do the dirty with Lizzie. He gave her the scarf because she was cold. A real man would've given her a jacket. Yes, he sort of half-guessed that Alan was his son. Did Sally McColl know that Duncan was Alan's father? Dunc offered her a lift home after the folk festival, but she turned it down. 'Do you really think I murdered Lizzie and Sally? - it wisnae me!'
Eyebrow woman: 'Well, somebody did.'
Do they seriously expect us to actually say this stuff out loud?

Jimmy to Cassie: Look pet, it's like this: Alan's your brother, Duncan's his dad, Duncan's been arrested, I've arranged some psychiatric help. Oh, and he was with your now-deid mum when this was going on. Chinatown! But in a decent, Scottish sort of way. Nobody gets their nostrils slit here.

Molly Killick comes to see Malone, her phone set to record. This is really messed up, as we all think he's HER dad (she's 23 and still at the Anderson High School, as often happens)  and he's mainly wearing a towel. Thank God he's putting on a shirt. Why did you leave flowers at Lizzie's grave? Because she was my friend. Jings, she's trying to seduce him, clumsily. Entrapment. Will violence ensue? Find out in a minute.

Now we've got Duncan in jail. Jimmy: were you sleeping with Lizzie? 
'Naw. I did not kill Lizzie. I did not kill Sally. And when I say that to you Jimmy I expect you to believe me. Because I love you. Sally knew I was Alan's dad - she had a go at me and said I should tell him. I was ashamed and I didn't want to Cassie to know. I swear on Cassie's life...I do not want to go to River City!' And, hell, that's enough for Jimmy.

'Well, I think he's telling the truth.'  And possibly the best line in the whole series: 'It doesn't make complete sense...'
Well, anyway. Donna told Sally that Alan's Duncan's son.

A BIG CLUE! A hitherto unchecked picture from Sally McColl's pen drive that she got in Norway from a woman...oh never mind. Anyway Donna Killick is in the background of said picture, which was  taken on the Unst ferry in 1993. Easy to tell as they were still using sail and oars back then on the Bluemull Sound. It was Donna dunnit. Course it was.

Suzuki Jimny sighted! Hooray!  Kate's at Thomas Malone's where Molly is unharmed but upset. I wanted to make him confess, she confesses, confessionally. But he didn't.
'Boath of yeh get oot noo.' Oh, and another thing, says Kate, casually. They've arrested Duncan Hunter for Lizzie, just so you know. WE KNOW! 

Donna Killick interview. The clue was in the name all along. Kill. Ick! Though it could have been Kill More, or Muir, obviously. Subtle. 'I didn't know what else to do! It was her or me!' Just to be clear are you saying...YES! YES YES! YES!

I think that's a 'yes'.

'But not Sally. I don't know who that was'.

Damn.

Malone's off wandering with his shotgun. Clearly he's going to want to kill Duncan! Nurse, the Atenolol!

So, it turns out that the photographs  proving whodunnit  went to (and were destroyed by) former copper Drew McColl ( who was having an affair with Donna Killer, remember?) He's a golfer! Very suspicious. Conclusive I'd say. Mashie! Niblick!

I know you buried evidence and framed Malone, says Jimmy. Donna Killick confessed, Drew, yoo durty ex-busy yoo. Put down the five-iron. 
'She's trying to protect me. I killed her! It was me!'
'No, you didn't.'
'Och, Okay then. Enough. I need to shave and so do you. I loved her. I was doing us all a favour. Malone's beard needed hidden from the world. Oh, and by the way I killed Sally, even though she was my daughter. Because....I just didn't like her very much.'

Meanwhile, what is Malone listening to on those orange headphones as he patrols the Market Cross with his gun? I vote for Daniel O'Donnel or possibly The Great Sydney. Now he's in Duncan's house and it's looking like nae mair Cassie's other dad. Mark Bonnar must have got a better offer right enough. But there's going to be a lot of talking first, of course

Dunc: You think I killed Lizzie?
Ah don't think. Ah know. Stephen Walters (Malone) is Liverpudlian.

Jimmy arrives. Thomas, Duncan's telling the truth. Thomas isn't convinced.  Don't do it Thomas! Cue standard face-off/talkdown/weeping/taking the gun off him scene. Sobbing. The beard is swimming. There, there. Jimmy has the gun and Duncan...he lives! Still ten minutes to go though. somebody's got to die, surely! Somebody we care about, or what was the point of that MISLEADING TWEET, Henshall? I'm guessing Sandy. Steven Robertson must be fed up with this.

'You know ,Thomas you've been very badly treated.' Tosh knows. Tosh cares. And we care. Arrest him for firearms offences, for goodness' sake.

Wait a minute! Thomas is having a neart attack. Has nobody checked his cholestorol? He's spilt his coffee. Drip, drip. His life is dripping away. Let me repeat that: His LIFE is DRIPPING away like the COFFEE. This is not going to look good. Police brutality! Paramedics, more coffee dripping. I can tell you that (1) The real Shetland NHS would have saved him, no question and (2) I'm not supposed to be giggling. But wait, birds are tweeting and his spirit is flying free in a drone over Lerwick like...a silent drone thing! It's like...his eyes have become a camera! Or a bird. Or a helicopter. Or an angel. A bearded angel...

Never mind, Duncan's alive, Cassie's OK (kinda) Jimmy's OK (kinda) and he loves Cassie though he still hasn't shaved. 'You're gonnie huv tae speak tae Duncan. Your maw wid want ye tae forgive him, and Alan's gonnie need the boath o' ye.' Wait...here he comes! The Silver Shagger, father of at least 20 children the length and breadth of Shetland! River City is postponed!

The End

But wait a minute:

So you're telling me that the entire fascism/deaf artist subplot and the Norwegian trip was all a red herring? Lars, Whitrit laddie, Matthias, the portrait of the dog, the whole Wes Anderson thing? Just so you could get a jaunt to Norway? After all, the crucial Sally McColl thumb drive was already in the cop shop.

And you THREW AWAY the was-Malone-Molly's-dad/was Kate really Lizzie theme. Cowardly. Or perhaps you realised 23 was slightly old to still be at school. Doh!

No pulleys in this episode. Shameful.

But wait, here's continuity woman: Shetland will return next year WITH A NEW SERIES!

May God have mercy on us all. Who will Duncan have turned out to be the father of next?

Thank you for bearing with me through all this. Your support is valued. We shall speak again in a year or so. Possibly.

Walk in the footsteps of Jimmy P:

www.shetland.org/jimmyperez

WARNING: There is apparently A SOUNDTRACK ALBUM! It WAS Daniel O' Donnell!























Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Shetland, series four, episode five: "Is this the social work department?" Killer heels and what's more, Thomas Malone has a shotgun in his house, which "I didn't search because I have delicate sensibilities and didn't want to mess up my handknits"

Hooray,  artist woman Jo Halley is not deceased! Which is good because we'll maybe see some more of Ruth Brownlee's excellent landscape paintings, used to illustrate the fact that Jo Is An Artist. Have a look at Ruth's website, which is here.  And that means you'll be able to see the pictures properly...
Chiaroscuro!

Anyway, Sandy is very upset. He's sitting on a rock, and that's how you get piles, my mother used to say.  He's feeling guilty. And cold. That jacket's useless for Shetland, even in the summer. Jo's at the hospital. Alan Kilmarnockintilloch arrives, but the abusive ex-husband is much on Jimmy's mind. Still,  Alan bothers him. He's "like a bad penny, that boy". And of course Alan is hanging out with Cassie too. That's Jimmy's daughter, and Duncan's in case you'd forgotten. Keep up!

Thomas Malone is in his kitchen. With shotgun cartridges, which he smells lasciviously. Jimmy briefs his team, glumly. The heavy mob, all Primark and Slaters Menswear, arrive from Glasgow, preferring their planes a little bigger and their runways a little longer. And their eyebrows a little more defined. Please tell me you searched Malone's farmhouse? No, I didn't want to catch my hand-knits on the skelfs and besides I might find he had an unlicensed shotgun. "Have a I stumbled into the social work department by mistake?" Not one bounded by any local government legislation I'm familiar with, darling.
Leave my eyebrows out of this, copper!

And so the suited and booted Glaswegians break into Malone's while Lars ("is he here to take a statement or make a  statement?") is in the shop of cops, grooming his upswept quiff in a suspicious manner.

(I'm grateful to emininent film critic Paul Anderson for pointing out the resemblance between Dodgy Lars The Whitrit (stoat-faced) Norwegian and Morten Harkett from the band Aha. Personally, I feel that's unfair to all Mortens, and indeed Mortons.) 

Wow, here's Downing, abusive ex-husband, completely out of the blue, not so much a red herring as a fish so out of water he's evolving into an iguana. Who it turns out was in Shetland all the time. For ALL FOUR PREVIOUS EPISODES! Apparently Jo wanted to see him, he says, to apologise and maybe start over. Do you know what? I don't believe you, says Jimmy. You're right, I don't believe myself, says Downing. I only read this stuff out. I did hit her when I was in prison but I've been to counselling and turned my life around and saw the light and I'm now a Buddhist with artistic tendencies and I came up here to see if she'd take me back. He lapses into cockney:

Oy nevver laid an 'and on her, guv, and that's ver god's honest troof! 
Most convincing accent in the entire series.

Stiletto Glesca woman: Malone wasn't there, any idea where he is Jimmy? Walking, maybe. Walking back to happiness? Wow, snappy dialogue, it could be Raymond Chandler. Or Glenn Chandler. Or Chandler from Friends. Or none of the above.

Here's Cassie and Alan, having a tete-a-tete on the beach next to Jimmy's house (actually Bain's Beach next the Lodberrie in Lerwick) Jimmy asks him if he was at Jo's last night, beating her up. No, he was walking on the beach next to the Wildlife Sanctuary, where nobody saw him. He turned up in the morning to ask Jo if she fancied some breakfast. As you do. Those breakfast dates are a big in Shetland. Sassermaet  is so romantic. And so healthy. (It's like Lorne Sausage, if you're wondering. Square slice but hairier).

Sinister Lars grins at Tosh, who's too busy for sassermaet, wisely. Lars thinks Jo made up 'this whole thing with me... I mean the Norwegian guy.' And suddenly Tosh realises that Lars has been here before, last week in fact. He's a wee liar. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING! It's the penultimate episode! I see glimmers of a plot. A taxi picked Lars up from either the airport (first scene) or ferry (second scene). She tells Jimmy, which is a relief. Because Tosh is really the only person in this whole show we care about. Jimmy phones blonde Bergen cop person and yes, Lars was lying. He's off to the airport and Must Be Stopped. Or maybe the ferry terminal. Planes, boats: what's the difference? It's an island!

Jo's awake! Sandy's with her 'You're safe now' What, with you, Sandy, are you joking? Even though you know kung fu. Look out, Lars is at the hospital  and Sandy's gone 'to fetch someone'. Careless.

OK, this really is pushing it a bit, scriptwriters: There's CCTV of Sally which seems to show her being given something by a woman in Bergen. Then there's INCREDIBLY detailed CCTV at Sumburgh Airport. 'What's that on her keyring? It wasn't there in Bergen!' Hang on a minuite, let me look closer...it's...it's a microbe! It's a rabbit's foot! No, it's a memory stick which handily, they have at the police station in Lerwick. Or Lerrick as Jimmy calls it, wrongly. Footage from this memory stick is shown.  'Looks like a meeting of far right groups' and...there's Lars! He's a Nazi And he is still in the hospital Come on, Sandy, you know kung fu! 
Aw, naw, that sassermaet sandwich is pure bowfin'

Lars is heading for the ferry. He's at NorthLink, trying to sneak past security onto the MV Hrosseyland. Has he got a St Magnus Lounge voucher?  Did Tosh really just say someone was on their way from Lossiemouth, and would be at least 30 minutes? By supersonic magical voodoo rocket manifestation, presumably. And now we're on the boat. (I always have the  Shepherds pie and 10mg of Phenergan.) Lars is in the kitchen and he now has a knife.

Tannoy announcement. There will be a delay leaving Lerrick. IT'S LER-WICK! Unless you're from Vidlin.

Car deck. Lars is hiding from Jimmy. He steals a car and the shortest and cheapest car chase in the history of TV crime ensues. He drives into...a police car, before running up the stairs. Exciting! Put the knife down, son, you're nicked. Here somes Sandy and  he knows kung fu. They've got the Whitrit!

The Glesca polis arrest Malone for wearing out of date 1980s orange earphones. Looks like Jimmy and co have got Lars for killing Sally, who was intent on exposing his membership of the Nasty Nazis, and for assaulting Jo, who saw him at the folk festival. But what else is on that fascist footage? Glesca poliswoman isn't having it. 

Lars being interviewed. No comment No comment, no comment.  Then OK, comment: He was trying to protect his country by preserving the Norwegian way of life. Eat more puffins! Suddenly we're invoking Anders Breivik and the Utoya massacre which I can't imagine the real Norwegians, big fans of this show, liking one bit.  'Our race is being destroyed! Our blood is being polluted!' Jimmy: 'My blood's already diluted - clue is in the name.' Lars is shocked, because he hates the Spanish. 'We are going to kill even more than Andres Breivik did.'

Turns out the target is a ferry being used to house Syrian migrants. Quick call to Bergen and that's sorted. Lars is in the jail, and now, so is a very shouty Thomas Malone. Calm down Thomas, says Line of Duty wannabe stiletto cop. We're from Glasgow and speak in a very strong Glaswegian accent, from, oh, Knightsbridge. Not Kelvinbridge. Where were you the night Sally was killed? I was out walking.  Time for Jimmy to have a word: What about Jo, Thomas? 'Nobody needs to know anything about me! I'm a free man.' 

Err, no, Thomas, you're not.

So where did you go ? 'The cliffs. The cliffs. Maybe I'll just let myself go - but I WANT TO LEEVE. I DESERVE TAE LEEVE!' Or possibly live.  Even if I have to wear this godless combat jacket all the time.

Anyway the refugees are safe. Lars has nothing to be ashamed of, he says. He took Sally's laptop and her phone. He didn't kill her but he did beat Jo up. And as for Sally, the last I saw of her she was arguing with an older man at the festival. But not Thomas Malone. It was...shock horror, because Jimmy has a picture of him as a screensaver on his phone and they LOVE each other...Duncan The Second Dad! Good grief. This could ruin their relationship!

Speak of the devil, Duncan meets Alan, apparently in Greenock or possibly Gourock to ask if he'll withdraw his offer a job to Cassie at the Wildlife Sanctuary, which is not in Renrewshire, in order to protect Cassie, who may be in Largs. I CAN SEE DUNOON! Mysterious. Now it's Duncan and Jimmy. I've got a witness says he saw you arguing with Sally at the festival! I offered her a lift... she seemed upset. Did anybody see you leave? I forgot I spoke to her. Jings. No alibi, but surely not Duncan with the silvery hair and the enormous bald patch? Aw, come on have a drink. Naw. Ah dinnae luv youse onymair.

Right, here's Kate Killick. In a kitchen. Is there a pulley? Can't see one. Wow, more sculpted eyebrows. She's in this 8mm film with her sister, dead Lizzie,  and Duncan Hunter, Jimmy tells her. There follows some completely incomprehensible stuff, but basically Kate was jealous of Lizzie. Absolutely. 'My feelings towards Lizzie are quite complicated.' On that day Lizzie was flirting with Duncan. oh...kaaaayyyy...

Back at Jimmy's house, he finds  an old picture of Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono. No, it's Duncan and Lizzie, or maybe Kate. Or somebody and somebody else. Cassie says he should go and watch the football.  There's Duncan wearing that tartan scarf, the one Lizzie was strangled with, the one that has an unknown person's DNA on it. Or wait a minute, is that Thomas Malone with a scarf? Or somebody else with a beard and a scarf? Frankly, I have watched this series more closely than anyone else I know, and I have absolutely no idea.

As Jimmy would say, ma heid's nippin'.

Final episode next week. We want:

More pulleys! More ponies!

More Volvos and possibly a Saab or two!

Sandy to demonstrate his kung fu skills properly.

Jimmy to shave!



Check out locations, background information and think about following Jimmy's footsteps at shetland.org/jimmyperez









Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Shetland, Series Four, Episode Four: Every young fascist Scandic-terrorist villain in a hoodie knows parkour

Warning: I've been up since 5.00am and before that watched three episodes of the panic-attack-inducing 'Save Me' on Sky Atlantic. So the following may be some sort of hallucination.


At the end of last week's episode, (of 'Shetland', available on iPlayer), Tosh makes a call on her mobile, which rings out. She puts it away and she and Jimmy, walking in the Bergen twilight, are then Afflicted With Mysterious And Threatening Vans. Point is, we know they have European Zone Roaming on their phones (which works in non-EU Norway but will clearly be renegotiated as part of Brexit). Now, you would think even a couple of hapless wandering hick cops would know that the emergency number in Norway for the police is 112. Do they dial desperately for help from Lovely Lars? Of course not!
Ah telt ye Uber works fine on Android in Denmark...sorry, Norway!

Then it struck me (I've been churning this over all week): Tosh was checking that at least one of her three previous attempts to order an Uber on the Scandic Android app had worked! And now look what's happened. Jings, I thought for a minute there she and Jimmy were about to be kidnapped by Fascist People Carriers.

Actually, we know from the stupidity of the BBC's destroy-all-cliffhangers trail that the black vans are neither Nazis nor vengeful Uber-Ubers, intent on their fares. They are Norwegian Secret Police! Who imagined there was such a thing? Actually, in real life it's the  Police Security Service, the PTT or Politiets Tryggingsteneste. Trollhunters! No, really. Try saying that with a mouthful of puffin. Tell you what, we'll just call them E15 for the show, because it sounds more like Mi5...

Captured, up an endless staircase and...welcome to counter-terrorism, led by a long haired viking type - turns out Matthias is an informer for the  PTT  and Jimmy and Tosh should butt out. They're on the first flight in the morning. Aye, sure.

Jimmy and blonde Norwegian policewoman do a bit of smouldering in English. Jimmy can get what they both want...and he's got Matthias's address. Next morning, hey: this isn't the way to the airport! Lovely Lars takes them to see the DNA, or the NDA, or Dan the Fascist Norskiman "I think you're going to need a translator," says Lars. Is that from New Norse or Old Norse? I don't like Lars. There's a whitrit look about him.

" Excuse me, does anybody here speak English?" That's handy. Where's Matthias? "He's no longer part of our organisation....are you threatening me? This is my country, it's not yours." Well, actually, given that Shetland was part of James III's dowry for Princess Margaret back in 1468, when Norway was Danish, I think you'll find....oh, never mind. They get an address. It's down by the docks. Of course it is.

Matthias, it's probably him anyway, cartwheels over rooftops and stray elephant seals, as parkour is compulsory in Norway and all low-budget TV thrillers involving Young People in Hoodies or Bobble Hats. The chase is on. Run, Tosh, run! Lars, hair gel needed, immediately! As for Smouldering Jimmy, he has a Scary Dark Building to slowly, oh so slowly...so very, very slowly...no, slower than that...investigate. Somebody's playing that spooky music, and they must be apprehended, because We Are Shetland Police! Look, it's a freelance journalist's office, only tidier. What's this? Well, that's a Cateye cycle computer and bits of a Joe Blow track pump, hacksawed up and....wait a minute, shouldn't this be a big round thing with the word BOMB written on it in red paint? Oh. Production couldn't get one of those, apparently. What's the Norwegian for BOMB, anyway? BOMBE apparently. That's what written on the pink Post-It note.

Is it a bicycle pump? Or a BOMBE!
Lars and Tosh have lost 'Matthias' because they don't know parkour. In a dormitory, Jimmy finds a dead body - THAT is Matthias, not parkour boy. He has a notice pinned to him. 'Forrader' - it means traitor. Or fascist red herring. Or it's an IKEA flatpack (thanks Ali Wilson). Oh dear, the blonde Norskicop arrives and this could mean her job. Jimmy: "I still need his prints and her NDA...I mean DNA."

Back in Shetland, Kate and Thomas Malone have been, well, asleep. "Lizzie!" he calls out, confused (but handy, plot-wise, probably). They're TWIN SISTERS! There's a picture in his wallet of Lizzie, possibly, which Kate, or 'Kate' busily looks at. It has 'RIP' written on it. She had far too much too drink. Too right you did, dear. Malone's beard is now like a young Santa Claus's. He's drying the dishes with it. No pulley. What kind of house is this?

Jimmy's home in disgrace and coming down Commercial Street, which is one way, the wrong way. But he's a policeman, a big friendly policeman, so that's allowed. Where's Cassie? Dunno, but Second Dad is here. Is Alan still a suspect? All we can do is keep an eye on her. Dinner with Second Dad and New Wife (not Jimmy's ex, Fran, who's dead) coming up!

A sandy beach, a 'memory table' for Sally. That old Shetland tradition, like knitwear, and driving and slaughtering pilot whales. Artist Jo Halley is there. There will be drinks, though. That is a Shetland tradition. Bring me some White Wife!

Sandy to Kate, regarding daughter Molly/Dolly/Holly, traumatised after seeing the Malone/Kilmuir snogfest. "She just doesn't understand what is going on....and to be honest, neither do I." Well that makes several hundred thousand of us.

Right, Jimmy's off the Lizzie case, because he's behaved like a complete numptie for nearly four hours of prime time TV, and a Glasgow heavy mob are on their way: "A bunch of people who think we just knit jumpers up here." They're coming in the morning to investigate Lizzie's long-ago death, while Jimmy is restricted to Sally's murder. I think. Jo Halley's looking increasingly suspicious. Her email address appears on Matthias's laptop. What's that about? Jo doesn't know. They're going to have to a forensic search of the croft. With rubber gloves on, probably. And big muddy tackety boots. Because WE ARE SHETLAND POLICE.

Back to this bonkers Memory Table thing and Drew is on the beach conducting a service for his daughter which seems to involve putting messages in a bottles and waving Tibetan Buddhist prayer flags. Ah, these Shetlandic religious practices. All that's missing is the traditional use of shotguns to blow the bottles out of the water, symbolically, and then the eating of whale meat and ritual disembowelling of passing ponies. But then, Thomas Malone has them. the shotgun, not the ponies. Here he is! No guns. Konfrontation with Kate Kilmuir. "You're just like your sister." Oh ho. Significant! They're twin sisters. Or were. Identical. Or were.

Jimmy manhandles him away "Don't push your luck, you. Piss off now!" Pure dead Taggart. That beard is getting longer. Jo is watching in a sinister blue raincoated artistic fashion. She can do lip reading, you know. 

Back to the police station. Alan Killin Kilmuir Killick Kirkintilloch arrives . He has an old home movie which "may have my biological dad on it". That's because EVERYBODY IN SHETLAND  is in this film, including Thomas Malone. "Molly really is Lizzie's image isn't she?" Oh really? Here's a trowel, scriptwriters! In fact, here's several. Oh, and a kitchen sink.

Did wan o' yooz pit sugar in ma tea?
Drunk Malone arrives too. "Nobody gives a shit about me." No we do Thomas. Stop punching the wall. You'll mess up the anaglypta. Beard is even longer. It's a Shaker beard. An Up Helly Aa beard. A ZZ Top beard.
"I think I'd be better off dead."
"Nobody's better off dead."
"I would be."
"Aye. All right then."

Cycling Lerwick-Hillswick, comes Cassie. 37 miles. Fresh as a daisy. Must be an electric bike. And back again, because she's sacked. Then Jimmy's with Kate, who "did something really stupid". Guess what that was? She recalls that Lizzie TWIN SISTER of Kate may have slept with Kevin Killick, father of Alan. Meanwhile, Thomas is following Holly/Molly/Dolly who's upset. Daughter/dad? I'm past caring.

Jo Halley seems to be obsessed with Alan Killick. She has loads of pictures of him on her computer. Bring her in, the cops cry, in case she killed Sally, and invented the Mysterious Norwegian (which would make THE ENTIRE NORWEGIAN FASCISM THING a gigantic red puffin, or herring). 

Jo and her abusive husband, Robert Downing. Who the heck is he? Whose mysterious multiple dad is he? He treated her badly (she says) and she rebounded onto the nice Alan Kilmartincolm. Did she do in Sally out of jealousy? Did she invent Hansen, mysterious Norski and dodgy teen sibling band? Then who is the guy in the hotel CCTV? Hell's teeth, I don't know. My money's on Lars the Whitrit. Jimmy makes Tosh a cup of coffee but puts too much milk in it. 

Tosh and Jimmy "This job is all about how you judge people."
Jimmy: "This time...will pass." Slowly, though. Very very slowly. And complicatedly. "I'm gonnie phone Jackie Reid off of Taggart for some advice," says Tosh. Because after all, there's been a murr. Durr.

Jo's back at the studio, being watched by somebody. Might be Malone. Who knows? 

Molly Dolly Holly is is back with mum Kate, and very scared due to Malone following her home from school, like dads do. Kate rushes off in a Suzuki Jimny to Malone's, where she finds the nude drawings of either her or Lizzie, depending on who's actually who. If he goes anywhere near Molly/D/H again, she says "I will kill you." Just like you killed Lizzie YOUR OWN TWIN SISTER? I made that last bit up. Probably. I have not seen any previews, in case you're wondering.

Cassie may have got the sack from the wildlife sanctuary but she's still going to stick with Alan, because this is a purely platonic relationship involving seals. So that's OK. Jimmy and Cassie are at the Lodberrie in Lerwick.You can see Norway from there!

Two Dads do dinner at Duncan's posh Fjogstad kit house. Reminiscence: Kevin Killick's 30th birthday party, the one on Alan's 8mm video. Duncan was there - St Ninian's Isle. "Duncan just liked a party." Is Duncan Alan's dad? No, he was chummy with Lizzie on the film. Does he remember anything? Lizzie with an older man? It wisnae me, officer.

Back at the cop shop, who should blow in from Bergen but...Lovely Lars the Whitrit. "I always wanted to see Shetland!" He's come to take statements. He's never been before. He says. Yeah yeah.


A whitrit
Cassie and Jimmy talk Daphne Du Maurier and Rebecca De Winter. They're so literary. Jimmy needs to get back out on the dating market. But...but he loves Duncan. Just like Lars loves Tosh! They're in the Fjara cafe bar, which is famous for its cocktails. She gives him a lift back to his hotel. "I was coming on too strong in the pub." Yes Lars, you wee fascist, you were. He suspiciously knows a lot about Lerwick's geography. Wait a minute....was he Hansen, the Mysterious CCTV Norwegian? Tosh is taking time to trust in THE WRONG MAN. With a dubious haircut.

Back to Killick's Kilmarnock Wildlife Sanctuary. Mum and Alan falling out over Cassie. Malone is in his house burning  all those pictures of Lizzie/Kate/Holly/Molly/Dolly. And then we're at Jo's, She's all alone and terrified. A light is blinking outside. Malone is out for a walk (it's not him at Jo's, obviously). Sandy and Ally in the cop shop. Jo calls and Sandy goes "to take a wee look", as it's on his way home. Alarms are going off. Somebody runs away. The place has been trashed. Someone has nicked all Ruth Brownlee's paintings! Jimmy's drinking Aberlour. And Jo's not OK. That lip reading turned out to be a right waste of time.

Pulley sightings: None. Too many modern kitchens for comfort.

Pony sightings: None. Shameful 

Volvos: One, briefly. Nice, however, to see a Suzuki Jimny, a very underrated  mini-four wheel-drive

Blythe Duff: almost but not quite

Framing: TV professionals says it was 'much more orthodox tonight'. The Wes Anderson vibe departs (but may return!)

More next week!

All kinds of insights and goodies on the Promote Shetland Perez pages (which I helped write!)