Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Shetland, series four, episode five: "Is this the social work department?" Killer heels and what's more, Thomas Malone has a shotgun in his house, which "I didn't search because I have delicate sensibilities and didn't want to mess up my handknits"

Hooray,  artist woman Jo Halley is not deceased! Which is good because we'll maybe see some more of Ruth Brownlee's excellent landscape paintings, used to illustrate the fact that Jo Is An Artist. Have a look at Ruth's website, which is here.  And that means you'll be able to see the pictures properly...

Anyway, Sandy is very upset. He's sitting on a rock, and that's how you get piles, my mother used to say.  He's feeling guilty. And cold. That jacket's useless for Shetland, even in the summer. Jo's at the hospital. Alan Kilmarnockintilloch arrives, but the abusive ex-husband is much on Jimmy's mind. Still,  Alan bothers him. He's "like a bad penny, that boy". And of course Alan is hanging out with Cassie too. That's Jimmy's daughter, and Duncan's in case you'd forgotten. Keep up!

Thomas Malone is in his kitchen. With shotgun cartridges, which he smells lasciviously. Jimmy briefs his team, glumly. The heavy mob, all Primark and Slaters Menswear, arrive from Glasgow, preferring their planes a little bigger and their runways a little longer. And their eyebrows a little more defined. Please tell me you searched Malone's farmhouse? No, I didn't want to catch my hand-knits on the skelfs and besides I might find he had an unlicensed shotgun. "Have a I stumbled into the social work department by mistake?" Not one bounded by any local government legislation I'm familiar with, darling.
Leave my eyebrows out of this, copper!

And so the suited and booted Glaswegians break into Malone's while Lars ("is he here to take a statement or make a  statement?") is in the shop of cops, grooming his upswept quiff in a suspicious manner.

(I'm grateful to emininent film critic Paul Anderson for pointing out the resemblance between Dodgy Lars The Whitrit (stoat-faced) Norwegian and Morten Harkett from the band Aha. Personally, I feel that's unfair to all Mortens, and indeed Mortons.) 

Wow, here's Downing, abusive ex-husband, completely out of the blue, not so much a red herring as a fish so out of water he's evolving into an iguana. Who it turns out was in Shetland all the time. For ALL FOUR PREVIOUS EPISODES! Apparently Jo wanted to see him, he says, to apologise and maybe start over. Do you know what? I don't believe you, says Jimmy. You're right, I don't believe myself, says Downing. I only read this stuff out. I did hit her when I was in prison but I've been to counselling and turned my life around and saw the light and I'm now a Buddhist with artistic tendencies and I came up here to see if she'd take me back. He lapses into cockney:

Oy nevver laid an 'and on her, guv, and that's ver god's honest troof! 
Most convincing accent in the entire series.

Stiletto Glesca woman: Malone wasn't there, any idea where he is Jimmy? Walking, maybe. Walking back to happiness? Wow, snappy dialogue, it could be Raymond Chandler. Or Glenn Chandler. Or Chandler from Friends. Or none of the above.

Here's Cassie and Alan, having a tete-a-tete on the beach next to Jimmy's house (actually Bain's Beach next the Lodberrie in Lerwick) Jimmy asks him if he was at Jo's last night, beating her up. No, he was walking on the beach next to the Wildlife Sanctuary, where nobody saw him. He turned up in the morning to ask Jo if she fancied some breakfast. As you do. Those breakfast dates are a big in Shetland. Sassermaet  is so romantic. And so healthy. (It's like Lorne Sausage, if you're wondering. Square slice but hairier).

Sinister Lars grins at Tosh, who's too busy for sassermaet, wisely. Lars thinks Jo made up 'this whole thing with me... I mean the Norwegian guy.' And suddenly Tosh realises that Lars has been here before, last week in fact. He's a wee liar. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING! It's the penultimate episode! I see glimmers of a plot. A taxi picked Lars up from either the airport (first scene) or ferry (second scene). She tells Jimmy, which is a relief. Because Tosh is really the only person in this whole show we care about. Jimmy phones blonde Bergen cop person and yes, Lars was lying. He's off to the airport and Must Be Stopped. Or maybe the ferry terminal. Planes, boats: what's the difference? It's an island!

Jo's awake! Sandy's with her 'You're safe now' What, with you, Sandy, are you joking? Even though you know kung fu. Look out, Lars is at the hospital  and Sandy's gone 'to fetch someone'. Careless.

OK, this really is pushing it a bit, scriptwriters: There's CCTV of Sally which seems to show her being given something by a woman in Bergen. Then there's INCREDIBLY detailed CCTV at Sumburgh Airport. 'What's that on her keyring? It wasn't there in Bergen!' Hang on a minuite, let me look closer...it's...it's a microbe! It's a rabbit's foot! No, it's a memory stick which handily, they have at the police station in Lerwick. Or Lerrick as Jimmy calls it, wrongly. Footage from this memory stick is shown.  'Looks like a meeting of far right groups' and...there's Lars! He's a Nazi And he is still in the hospital Come on, Sandy, you know kung fu! 
Aw, naw, that sassermaet sandwich is pure bowfin'

Lars is heading for the ferry. He's at NorthLink, trying to sneak past security onto the MV Hrosseyland. Has he got a St Magnus Lounge voucher?  Did Tosh really just say someone was on their way from Lossiemouth, and would be at least 30 minutes? By supersonic magical voodoo rocket manifestation, presumably. And now we're on the boat. (I always have the  Shepherds pie and 10mg of Phenergan.) Lars is in the kitchen and he now has a knife.

Tannoy announcement. There will be a delay leaving Lerrick. IT'S LER-WICK! Unless you're from Vidlin.

Car deck. Lars is hiding from Jimmy. He steals a car and the shortest and cheapest car chase in the history of TV crime ensues. He drives into...a police car, before running up the stairs. Exciting! Put the knife down, son, you're nicked. Here somes Sandy and  he knows kung fu. They've got the Whitrit!

The Glesca polis arrest Malone for wearing out of date 1980s orange earphones. Looks like Jimmy and co have got Lars for killing Sally, who was intent on exposing his membership of the Nasty Nazis, and for assaulting Jo, who saw him at the folk festival. But what else is on that fascist footage? Glesca poliswoman isn't having it. 

Lars being interviewed. No comment No comment, no comment.  Then OK, comment: He was trying to protect his country by preserving the Norwegian way of life. Eat more puffins! Suddenly we're invoking Anders Breivik and the Utoya massacre which I can't imagine the real Norwegians, big fans of this show, liking one bit.  'Our race is being destroyed! Our blood is being polluted!' Jimmy: 'My blood's already diluted - clue is in the name.' Lars is shocked, because he hates the Spanish. 'We are going to kill even more than Andres Breivik did.'

Turns out the target is a ferry being used to house Syrian migrants. Quick call to Bergen and that's sorted. Lars is in the jail, and now, so is a very shouty Thomas Malone. Calm down Thomas, says Line of Duty wannabe stiletto cop. We're from Glasgow and speak in a very strong Glaswegian accent, from, oh, Knightsbridge. Not Kelvinbridge. Where were you the night Sally was killed? I was out walking.  Time for Jimmy to have a word: What about Jo, Thomas? 'Nobody needs to know anything about me! I'm a free man.' 

Err, no, Thomas, you're not.

So where did you go ? 'The cliffs. The cliffs. Maybe I'll just let myself go - but I WANT TO LEEVE. I DESERVE TAE LEEVE!' Or possibly live.  Even if I have to wear this godless combat jacket all the time.

Anyway the refugees are safe. Lars has nothing to be ashamed of, he says. He took Sally's laptop and her phone. He didn't kill her but he did beat Jo up. And as for Sally, the last I saw of her she was arguing with an older man at the festival. But not Thomas Malone. It was...shock horror, because Jimmy has a picture of him as a screensaver on his phone and they LOVE each other...Duncan The Second Dad! Good grief. This could ruin their relationship!

Speak of the devil, Duncan meets Alan, apparently in Greenock or possibly Gourock to ask if he'll withdraw his offer a job to Cassie at the Wildlife Sanctuary, which is not in Renrewshire, in order to protect Cassie, who may be in Largs. I CAN SEE DUNOON! Mysterious. Now it's Duncan and Jimmy. I've got a witness says he saw you arguing with Sally at the festival! I offered her a lift... she seemed upset. Did anybody see you leave? I forgot I spoke to her. Jings. No alibi, but surely not Duncan with the silvery hair and the enormous bald patch? Aw, come on have a drink. Naw. Ah dinnae luv youse onymair.

Right, here's Kate Killick. In a kitchen. Is there a pulley? Can't see one. Wow, more sculpted eyebrows. She's in this 8mm film with her sister, dead Lizzie,  and Duncan Hunter, Jimmy tells her. There follows some completely incomprehensible stuff, but basically Kate was jealous of Lizzie. Absolutely. 'My feelings towards Lizzie are quite complicated.' On that day Lizzie was flirting with Duncan. oh...kaaaayyyy...

Back at Jimmy's house, he finds  an old picture of Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono. No, it's Duncan and Lizzie, or maybe Kate. Or somebody and somebody else. Cassie says he should go and watch the football.  There's Duncan wearing that tartan scarf, the one Lizzie was strangled with, the one that has an unknown person's DNA on it. Or wait a minute, is that Thomas Malone with a scarf? Or somebody else with a beard and a scarf? Frankly, I have watched this series more closely than anyone else I know, and I have absolutely no idea.

As Jimmy would say, ma heid's nippin'.

Final episode next week. We want:

More pulleys! More ponies!

More Volvos and possibly a Saab or two!

Sandy to demonstrate his kung fu skills properly.

Jimmy to shave!

Check out locations, background information and think about following Jimmy's footsteps at shetland.org/jimmyperez

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Shetland, Series Four, Episode Four: Every young fascist Scandic-terrorist villain in a hoodie knows parkour

Warning: I've been up since 5.00am and before that watched three episodes of the panic-attack-inducing 'Save Me' on Sky Atlantic. So the following may be some sort of hallucination.

At the end of last week's episode, (of 'Shetland', available on iPlayer), Tosh makes a call on her mobile, which rings out. She puts it away and she and Jimmy, walking in the Bergen twilight, are then Afflicted With Mysterious And Threatening Vans. Point is, we know they have European Zone Roaming on their phones (which works in non-EU Norway but will clearly be renegotiated as part of Brexit). Now, you would think even a couple of hapless wandering hick cops would know that the emergency number in Norway for the police is 112. Do they dial desperately for help from Lovely Lars? Of course not!
Ah telt ye Uber works fine on Android in Denmark...sorry, Norway!

Then it struck me (I've been churning this over all week): Tosh was checking that at least one of her three previous attempts to order an Uber on the Scandic Android app had worked! And now look what's happened. Jings, I thought for a minute there she and Jimmy were about to be kidnapped by Fascist People Carriers.

Actually, we know from the stupidity of the BBC's destroy-all-cliffhangers trail that the black vans are neither Nazis nor vengeful Uber-Ubers, intent on their fares. They are Norwegian Secret Police! Who imagined there was such a thing? Actually, in real life it's the  Police Security Service, the PTT or Politiets Tryggingsteneste. Trollhunters! No, really. Try saying that with a mouthful of puffin. Tell you what, we'll just call them E15 for the show, because it sounds more like Mi5...

Captured, up an endless staircase and...welcome to counter-terrorism, led by a long haired viking type - turns out Matthias is an informer for the  PTT  and Jimmy and Tosh should butt out. They're on the first flight in the morning. Aye, sure.

Jimmy and blonde Norwegian policewoman do a bit of smouldering in English. Jimmy can get what they both want...and he's got Matthias's address. Next morning, hey: this isn't the way to the airport! Lovely Lars takes them to see the DNA, or the NDA, or Dan the Fascist Norskiman "I think you're going to need a translator," says Lars. Is that from New Norse or Old Norse? I don't like Lars. There's a whitrit look about him.

" Excuse me, does anybody here speak English?" That's handy. Where's Matthias? "He's no longer part of our organisation....are you threatening me? This is my country, it's not yours." Well, actually, given that Shetland was part of James III's dowry for Princess Margaret back in 1468, when Norway was Danish, I think you'll find....oh, never mind. They get an address. It's down by the docks. Of course it is.

Matthias, it's probably him anyway, cartwheels over rooftops and stray elephant seals, as parkour is compulsory in Norway and all low-budget TV thrillers involving Young People in Hoodies or Bobble Hats. The chase is on. Run, Tosh, run! Lars, hair gel needed, immediately! As for Smouldering Jimmy, he has a Scary Dark Building to slowly, oh so slowly...so very, very slowly...no, slower than that...investigate. Somebody's playing that spooky music, and they must be apprehended, because We Are Shetland Police! Look, it's a freelance journalist's office, only tidier. What's this? Well, that's a Cateye cycle computer and bits of a Joe Blow track pump, hacksawed up and....wait a minute, shouldn't this be a big round thing with the word BOMB written on it in red paint? Oh. Production couldn't get one of those, apparently. What's the Norwegian for BOMB, anyway? BOMBE apparently. That's what written on the pink Post-It note.

Is it a bicycle pump? Or a BOMBE!
Lars and Tosh have lost 'Matthias' because they don't know parkour. In a dormitory, Jimmy finds a dead body - THAT is Matthias, not parkour boy. He has a notice pinned to him. 'Forrader' - it means traitor. Or fascist red herring. Or it's an IKEA flatpack (thanks Ali Wilson). Oh dear, the blonde Norskicop arrives and this could mean her job. Jimmy: "I still need his prints and her NDA...I mean DNA."

Back in Shetland, Kate and Thomas Malone have been, well, asleep. "Lizzie!" he calls out, confused (but handy, plot-wise, probably). They're TWIN SISTERS! There's a picture in his wallet of Lizzie, possibly, which Kate, or 'Kate' busily looks at. It has 'RIP' written on it. She had far too much too drink. Too right you did, dear. Malone's beard is now like a young Santa Claus's. He's drying the dishes with it. No pulley. What kind of house is this?

Jimmy's home in disgrace and coming down Commercial Street, which is one way, the wrong way. But he's a policeman, a big friendly policeman, so that's allowed. Where's Cassie? Dunno, but Second Dad is here. Is Alan still a suspect? All we can do is keep an eye on her. Dinner with Second Dad and New Wife (not Jimmy's ex, Fran, who's dead) coming up!

A sandy beach, a 'memory table' for Sally. That old Shetland tradition, like knitwear, and driving and slaughtering pilot whales. Artist Jo Halley is there. There will be drinks, though. That is a Shetland tradition. Bring me some White Wife!

Sandy to Kate, regarding daughter Molly/Dolly/Holly, traumatised after seeing the Malone/Kilmuir snogfest. "She just doesn't understand what is going on....and to be honest, neither do I." Well that makes several hundred thousand of us.

Right, Jimmy's off the Lizzie case, because he's behaved like a complete numptie for nearly four hours of prime time TV, and a Glasgow heavy mob are on their way: "A bunch of people who think we just knit jumpers up here." They're coming in the morning to investigate Lizzie's long-ago death, while Jimmy is restricted to Sally's murder. I think. Jo Halley's looking increasingly suspicious. Her email address appears on Matthias's laptop. What's that about? Jo doesn't know. They're going to have to a forensic search of the croft. With rubber gloves on, probably. And big muddy tackety boots. Because WE ARE SHETLAND POLICE.

Back to this bonkers Memory Table thing and Drew is on the beach conducting a service for his daughter which seems to involve putting messages in a bottles and waving Tibetan Buddhist prayer flags. Ah, these Shetlandic religious practices. All that's missing is the traditional use of shotguns to blow the bottles out of the water, symbolically, and then the eating of whale meat and ritual disembowelling of passing ponies. But then, Thomas Malone has them. the shotgun, not the ponies. Here he is! No guns. Konfrontation with Kate Kilmuir. "You're just like your sister." Oh ho. Significant! They're twin sisters. Or were. Identical. Or were.

Jimmy manhandles him away "Don't push your luck, you. Piss off now!" Pure dead Taggart. That beard is getting longer. Jo is watching in a sinister blue raincoated artistic fashion. She can do lip reading, you know. 

Back to the police station. Alan Killin Kilmuir Killick Kirkintilloch arrives . He has an old home movie which "may have my biological dad on it". That's because EVERYBODY IN SHETLAND  is in this film, including Thomas Malone. "Molly really is Lizzie's image isn't she?" Oh really? Here's a trowel, scriptwriters! In fact, here's several. Oh, and a kitchen sink.

Did wan o' yooz pit sugar in ma tea?
Drunk Malone arrives too. "Nobody gives a shit about me." No we do Thomas. Stop punching the wall. You'll mess up the anaglypta. Beard is even longer. It's a Shaker beard. An Up Helly Aa beard. A ZZ Top beard.
"I think I'd be better off dead."
"Nobody's better off dead."
"I would be."
"Aye. All right then."

Cycling Lerwick-Hillswick, comes Cassie. 37 miles. Fresh as a daisy. Must be an electric bike. And back again, because she's sacked. Then Jimmy's with Kate, who "did something really stupid". Guess what that was? She recalls that Lizzie TWIN SISTER of Kate may have slept with Kevin Killick, father of Alan. Meanwhile, Thomas is following Holly/Molly/Dolly who's upset. Daughter/dad? I'm past caring.

Jo Halley seems to be obsessed with Alan Killick. She has loads of pictures of him on her computer. Bring her in, the cops cry, in case she killed Sally, and invented the Mysterious Norwegian (which would make THE ENTIRE NORWEGIAN FASCISM THING a gigantic red puffin, or herring). 

Jo and her abusive husband, Robert Downing. Who the heck is he? Whose mysterious multiple dad is he? He treated her badly (she says) and she rebounded onto the nice Alan Kilmartincolm. Did she do in Sally out of jealousy? Did she invent Hansen, mysterious Norski and dodgy teen sibling band? Then who is the guy in the hotel CCTV? Hell's teeth, I don't know. My money's on Lars the Whitrit. Jimmy makes Tosh a cup of coffee but puts too much milk in it. 

Tosh and Jimmy "This job is all about how you judge people."
Jimmy: "This time...will pass." Slowly, though. Very very slowly. And complicatedly. "I'm gonnie phone Jackie Reid off of Taggart for some advice," says Tosh. Because after all, there's been a murr. Durr.

Jo's back at the studio, being watched by somebody. Might be Malone. Who knows? 

Molly Dolly Holly is is back with mum Kate, and very scared due to Malone following her home from school, like dads do. Kate rushes off in a Suzuki Jimny to Malone's, where she finds the nude drawings of either her or Lizzie, depending on who's actually who. If he goes anywhere near Molly/D/H again, she says "I will kill you." Just like you killed Lizzie YOUR OWN TWIN SISTER? I made that last bit up. Probably. I have not seen any previews, in case you're wondering.

Cassie may have got the sack from the wildlife sanctuary but she's still going to stick with Alan, because this is a purely platonic relationship involving seals. So that's OK. Jimmy and Cassie are at the Lodberrie in Lerwick.You can see Norway from there!

Two Dads do dinner at Duncan's posh Fjogstad kit house. Reminiscence: Kevin Killick's 30th birthday party, the one on Alan's 8mm video. Duncan was there - St Ninian's Isle. "Duncan just liked a party." Is Duncan Alan's dad? No, he was chummy with Lizzie on the film. Does he remember anything? Lizzie with an older man? It wisnae me, officer.

Back at the cop shop, who should blow in from Bergen but...Lovely Lars the Whitrit. "I always wanted to see Shetland!" He's come to take statements. He's never been before. He says. Yeah yeah.

A whitrit
Cassie and Jimmy talk Daphne Du Maurier and Rebecca De Winter. They're so literary. Jimmy needs to get back out on the dating market. But...but he loves Duncan. Just like Lars loves Tosh! They're in the Fjara cafe bar, which is famous for its cocktails. She gives him a lift back to his hotel. "I was coming on too strong in the pub." Yes Lars, you wee fascist, you were. He suspiciously knows a lot about Lerwick's geography. Wait a minute....was he Hansen, the Mysterious CCTV Norwegian? Tosh is taking time to trust in THE WRONG MAN. With a dubious haircut.

Back to Killick's Kilmarnock Wildlife Sanctuary. Mum and Alan falling out over Cassie. Malone is in his house burning  all those pictures of Lizzie/Kate/Holly/Molly/Dolly. And then we're at Jo's, She's all alone and terrified. A light is blinking outside. Malone is out for a walk (it's not him at Jo's, obviously). Sandy and Ally in the cop shop. Jo calls and Sandy goes "to take a wee look", as it's on his way home. Alarms are going off. Somebody runs away. The place has been trashed. Someone has nicked all Ruth Brownlee's paintings! Jimmy's drinking Aberlour. And Jo's not OK. That lip reading turned out to be a right waste of time.

Pulley sightings: None. Too many modern kitchens for comfort.

Pony sightings: None. Shameful 

Volvos: One, briefly. Nice, however, to see a Suzuki Jimny, a very underrated  mini-four wheel-drive

Blythe Duff: almost but not quite

Framing: TV professionals says it was 'much more orthodox tonight'. The Wes Anderson vibe departs (but may return!)

More next week!

All kinds of insights and goodies on the Promote Shetland Perez pages (which I helped write!)

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Shetland, series four, episode three: Reestit Norwegian pigeons, more dads, embarrassing snogging, and a suitcase full of toothbrushes. The catch-up continues

Wings Over Shetland. It's a unionist plot against The Beloved Stuart! Oh yes it is!
My thanks to the legendary Orlando Ancilotti and others for pointing out what appeared at first to be the new acting activities of Wings Over Scotland blogger and Scottish independence campaigner Stuart Campbell (see above). It's Thomas Malone, the Beardy Bard of Bath! Except it isn't, it's clearly just another BBC plot to besmirch the cause of Braveheartian Indie activism. Or a coincidence. Or Stu and Stephen Walters have the same stylist.

Also, some TV and film geeks have been pondering the show's 'framing': apparently everybody is in the 'wrong' place on screen, with too much sky, sea and too many sheep. Leaving aside excessively rude remarks by a certain Orcadian about size and trowies, I feel this is because the Zetlandic landscape is as much a star as that firm of solicitors Henshall, O'Donnell and Robertson. But I would say that.

Anyway, back to the show, and I was guessing that all the off-screen yowling and hammering at the end of last week would turn out to be Malone mincing his own head into sassermaet clatch or reestit mutton crumble in order to besmirch Benny Blue Boiler Suit's bad rep even further. 

It would seem not...

Right: Volvo, yet more drone footage, Malone on a moor with an unlicensed gun. Here we are with Wildlife Killick woman. Donna, who's Alan's real father? How is that your business? Because I am a policeman, a big friendly policeman. Some rigger from down south. He was kind. I met him in the Klaymore. More Ks. Is this a Masonic code? Kould be.

And... I was wrong! Benny Blue WAS attacked by Malone and he's in hospital. Never mind, Tosh is in Bergen with tall blond people who speak like they're in The Killing. Or maybe The Kiln. The Kilmuir. The Killick. Back in the Kilbert Kain Hospital, Drew and his koiffure are bedside with Benny. What did Malone do with that hammer? Tickle him slightly? I've seen more facial damage with a makeup allergy.

Trees! That'll be Norway. Another Volvo. I demand a Saab. We're on an island, a villa with antlers and much decking; us, Tosh and a handsome Norwegian cop called, inevitably Lars. Tosh finds herself facing some sinister reestit pigeons, or possibly infamous Norwegian grouse. Another shotgun. How did Malone get here so quickly? Aha, it's Andreas Hagan the missing human resources executive. He's grumpy. 
Reestit pigeon, or infamous Norwegian grouse?

Back in Shetland, Jimmy confronts Malone, who hides his shotgun. I knew it was unlicensed. Getting your pictures signed by a responsible person can be a real hassle when you're fresh out of nick and applying for a certificate. Whoosh, to Norway, and I see what these TV folk mean about framing. The director's been watching Wes Anderson movies. Now we're onto the dead-Danny-Harrison, Sally-the-deceased hack, drunken-oil-rig-crew story.  Andreas is hiding something. He's shocked Sally was in Bergen the previous week - who was she there to see? Let's check the CCTV in Bergen Airport, shall we?

Never mind that, Here's Allan and Cassie ('we've got four dads between us') and there's our (as in me and my wife Susan's) real house, which I'll have you know is 250 years old this year, at the end of the Hillswick beach. Huh. All we got was a visit from Davie Gardner and the road closed for days. Also, they overloaded the septic tank. Anyway, Alan now knows his dad wasn't his dad, the search is on for the real one-night-stand back at the Klaymore. Drew is drunk and missing. Call a hairdresser.

CCTV time, Bergen Airport. Sally met someone from a taxi company, apparently. You can tell by the noticeboard the driver was holding. Tosh talks to the taxi firm (off camera; I feel obscurely cheated) and is instantly at a dodgy club, or possibly concert venue/arts centre/dance therapy workshop, only with more bad beards and a billiard table. Sinister looks, earrings. I smell trouble. Bet the beer's dear. Funny, it looks just like the Barrowland Ballroom in Glasgow. That there should be something so similar in Norway!

Back in Shetland, Drew seems to be off for some thalassotherapy, and frankly his hair's a mess. Or maybe he's paddling, or gathering whelks. Or contemplating a very chilly suicide. Jimmy, though wishes to converse with him about Killicks, DNA and all that who's-the-daddy stuff. Both he and Jimmy are freezing, wet and in need of a good cappuccino, or something stronger. I think Jimmy's an Aberlour fan.

Norway, and suddenly Tosh is talking to the goth barmaid from the arts centre/bar/exhibition space/Barrowland tribute act. Seems Sally met a fascist Norwegian called Matti, from the Norwegian Defence Army. Dodgy Anders Breivik resonance there. Apparently Matti threatened to kill Sally. Ah. 

Cut to Shetland and Drew, dry, has hitherto unseen evidence that Malone did the original Kilmuir killing. No idea what it is though. Malone meets Kate Kilmuir and her/his daughter in Da Noost pub (actually closed these days, other Lerwick bars are available). A frisson flies.

Bergen. There's nice Lars. He has a demented grandfather so he MUST be a good guy. Tosh is being followed by a dodgy fellow in a hoody, but Lars takes her out for a VERY EXPENSIVE orange coloured fruity drink. He's on beer. Hope she's on decent expenses. Lars has footage of Sally meeting someone, we know not who. The NDA? They're organising and attacking immigrants, says Lars. Tosh says she feels like a hobbit compared to all the blond supermodels of Norway. Stop wearing those Barbour jackets then, dear.

OK, Jimmy phones Tosh. Sally WAS investigating the NDA and planning an article. Tosh is in a long creepy corridor in her hotel. "There's someone in my room" - it's hoodyperson, but he runs away, having shoved her viciously. Poor Tosh.

Jimmy's at the airport with Other Dad. Bit of manly arm slapping. Cassie will be looked after while Jimmy's away on Norway. I love you, Jimmy. I love you too, Duncan. Back with dodgy Drew (hairspray now holding) who's in the huff with Donna. Is he Alan's dad? Who knows? Who knows anything?

Right, Tosh and Jimmy in Bergen. More very expensive coffee/drinks/pickled herring/smoked puffin/whalemeat. It's all NDA now, arson attacks in Oslo, and the need to talk to Matti. "Out uv da kvestion!" says blonde female Norskicop. Wow, Jimmy gives it Fair Isle smoulder and asks to see a list of Nazis called Matti. Of course she crumbles. What would Duncan say?

Back in Hillswick, Alan is searching through a suitcase which apparently contains his real dad's toothbrushes, going back years. "My real dad's in here!" Cassie's helping. There are toothbrushes flying everywhere. Bergen: ("Fascism must be popular in Norway" says Tosh. They are accessing the list.  Hillswick, Donna arrives and discovers Alan and Cassie raking through the toothbrushes. 

"This rigger from England story's not fooling anyone." Uh huh. Why do Kate Kilmuir and Donna look so alike? Remember the Late Lizzie and Kate were IDENTICAL TWINS!

Bergen. Matti's a possible rapist as well as being a Nazi. He's hoodyman. Jings, as if poor old Tosh doesn't have enough to cope with. She and Jimmy have his  address though. Confrontation looms.

Shetland. Kate is round at Malone's and whisks him off to use her washing machine. Bergen. Jimmy and Tosh meet Matti's mum, who appears to be about seven feet tall. In her house, that framing/Wes Anderson thing again. There's a big weird picture of a dog. Everybody stands stock still and mutters. Not in Norwegian. Weird lighting too. Matti's mum appears to suspect her son could be a killer. Come in, go ahead, search away! In his room (sinister music) there's two dodgy Anglepoise lamps and a whole lot of death metal band posters. Excessive, pathological neatness. Jimmy and Tosh rummage, presumably with a special Zetlandic rummaging warrant - and guess what? They find a picture. Matti's dad is...GRUMPY ANDREAS with the shotgun and the reestit pigeons! Well, one of his dads. There are bound to be others. "Let's go!" Batman music, played on hollow reindeer horns.

Back to Shetland, where we're amid the Ruth Brownlee paintings again, and Sally's former flatmate, who's deaf and whose lip reading skills will probably come in handy later, I'll be bound. Sandy's frustrated. Poor Sandy.

Malone meanwhile can't use the washing machine at Kate's, and much giggling ensues over underwear. Saucy! Molly the daughter is upset and runs away.  Sandy arrives, not in a Volvo but a Ford Mondeo diesel estate, and comforts her.

And in Norway,  Andreas says he didn't do it: "Killing journalists is not my style." Apparently Sally was going to expose Matti's nasty Nazism if Andreas didn't tell all about the drunken Norwegian oil rig offshore Tupperware party which killed Danny. Andreas warned her not to get involved with the NDA (which is different from DNA). Would Matti have killed her? Not the Matti Andreas knew. Here's his address. "If you find him, tell him his father loves him." But are you SURE you're REALLY HIS FATHER, Andreas? I frankly hae ma doots!

Kate Kilmuir and Malone are cosying up over what looks like a tin of Sapporo and a bottle of Cloudy Bay, both of which in my experience are tricky to find in Shetland. "Eh waant to look eeeveryone in the aye and lait them knoo eh em a good men."
"I think you are a good man!" Snogging ensues. Sandy and Molly are out in the car. Oh dear, I think they're going to...oh no, that's not a can of Sapporo, it's a jug. And the Cloudy Bay's actually just Blue Nun. Aaargh, squirm, Molly's going to see...thankfully just some energetic sofa snogging with Malone and her mum. Embarrassing. That beard looks scratchy.

Bergen. Tosh and Perez are wandering the cobbled streets, scenically, in the twilight. The simmer dim. Or as they say in Norway, the simmer dim. Don't look now, but "the black van behind us has been following us all day." 
"Who is it?"
"I don't know and I don't want to find out."
Whit? Call yourself a cop Perez? Suddenly there are two...no three...no a dozen black vans. Who ARE those guys? 

Doubtless we'll find out next week. My money's on a sub plot involving fish farming. They're lumpfish breeders. Or more dads.

This week's PQ (Pony Quotient):Nil. Very disappointing., Bring us Socks!

Volvo appearances: two, one in Norway, one in Shetland. It's the genre known as Scandic Car.

Pulley appearances: two, one at Drew's one at Donna's (thanks to Maggie McRitchie for this). Drew's empty, Donna's festooned with deeply symbolic blood red washing!

For more exclusive Shetland material, including locations from the series, check out the Promote Shetland microsite at shetland.org/jimmyperez

Very scary Shetland pony, not Socks

Shetland, Series Four, Episode Two: Whose dad is it anyway?

Last week we left Thomas Malone in an informal grave with a mini-JCB dumping peat on top of him. This led (thank you Ali Wilson, Mr Ray Burn, Ms AGA Stove and others) to a host of Peaty Blinders jokes. But here we are at episode two and…
Quick recap: Lizzie Kilmuir was killed years ago, Thomas Malone was convicted of her murder, but has now been declared innocent and is wandering Shetland in a peculiar number one crop/beard combo.Like a member of a death metal band or a waiter at a vegan restaurant. Anyway, Tosh is not leaving (hooray!), Kilmuir case cop Drew MacColl’s daughter is also dead, murdered. Kate Kilmuir is looking haunted. She’s Lizzie’s TWIN SISTER. Forst Energy - they’re bad Norwegians who let drunken roughnecks on their rigs, then kill them. I think we’re going to Norway. More jumpers, yay!
Here we go. Mud! Mud, glorious mud (not peat). Thomas is alive, like The Bride in Kill Bill only much yuckier; his head’s sticking out of the earth. It’s like some kind of Scandinavian beauty therapy, except it hasn’t worked, clearly, in his case. He’s heading home, limping past a bus stop, wherein Twin Sister’s daughter stands. Thomas hallucinates that she’s Lizzie or her mum (TWIN SISTER) Kate back in pre-prison days. She guesses he’s her dad, right? There’s a whole lotta paternity stuff coming atcha, so get ready. Pay attention.
Here’s Jimmy. And apparently those gansies ARE Shetland-made jumpers, just not Fair isle pattern ones. And apparently not itchy next to the skin, due to secret sheep technology. They’re like the special Everest jumpers, made from ultrafine wool, as worn by Hillary and Tensing. Like..the finest cashmere, or a silk vest made from unicorn’s eyelashes. Honest. A lanolin caress.
So, quick, up to speed with the nasty Norwegians. The mysterious Forst Energy human resources baddie Andreas is in Norway, and recently-dead Sally was after him. He’s got a motive. Hasn’t he? Then there’s Alan Killick, seal succourer, Sally’s ex. And Malone. So three suspects with motives. We just don’t know what those motives are, though, do we?
Malone is in the cop shop, badly in need of a shower (NOTE: if you need a shower in Lerwick, the Clickimin Centre is good. They have saunas, steam rooms, ice cold drenches but not the fluffy dressing gowns the cop shop seems to possess for guests)
Jimmy’s “trying to keep an open mind,” while Malone grunts that he may know who tried to bury him, but he’s not saying, despite that hot shower and the towelling robe.
“I’ll not be pressing charges.” He’s no grass.
So they’re looking for “a high-roofed Transit van on the road between Malone’s farm and Laxo”. Love the way specific locations are slipped in when the whole series plays so madly fast and loose with Shetland’s geography, while making the place look gorgeous. Meanwhile, we're at Jo Halley’s house/studio - she’s the deaf artist Sally used to stay with. She’s worried about intruders. She should be. They'll be after those Ruth Brownlee paintings.
Jimmy in the Volvo, which is in A LOT of scenes. Nice alloys. Is this product placement? Swedish, not Norwegian. Or Danish. Scandic, though, and black, so, like, noir. Just make sure the central electronic control unit is under warranty, that’s all I’m saying. Jimmy is suddenly astride the ‘grave’ of Thomas Malone, and finds a toy man/soldier/Lego figure. This is A CLUE in pure Cluedo stylee. No gloves. Into the pocket in pure dead brilliant forensic mode.Bet it appears again later. You watch.
We're with Drew, retired dodgy policeman/bereaved father. He’s got a pulley. Clothes are drying on it I do like a pulley. A house is incomplete without a pulley. Or an illicit lover hiding in the corner when Jimmy arrives. Wow, that’s Alan Killick’s mum, Wildlife Woman. She’s Drew’s alibi for the grave/JCB/Malone incident, apparently, though she stays hidden before snogging Drew. His hair moves not a micron.
(What’s with the names? Killick/Kilmuir, and killings in kilns? Killiecrankie! Krumbs!)
Volvo to the Wildlife Sanctuary in (not) Hillswick and here’s Wildlife Alan - his alibi is rubbish because we know he was at the Taj Tandoori. Now he’s in a shed with a caravan in it. Where were you last night - here on my own. Wait, there’s a high-roof Transit! Open the doors! A huge deluge of mud and blood rushes forth, then out of the TV set and fills this room! Where’s the remote! Videodrome!
No, just drifted off there, sorry.
Forensic are coming. Is that the old doctor woman? All will be well.
Tosh is in a flash office to see the head of human resources at Forst Energy, which would be Andreas. But he’s in Norway, where we’re going soon. Flights available in the summer from Shetland, folks.

Here’s Duncan, Cassie Perez’s Other Dad (birth father. Jimmy is her step dad. The mother’s dead. It’s not just complicated, it’s a social work nightmare). He’s also quite clearly shaping up to be Jimmy’s lover, implicitly, if not explicitly. Anyway Dunc’s at the Lodberrie to see Cassie, and suggsts she takes a job at the wildlife sanctuary. Good move. Jimmy will be pleased. But she has to get over her ex Edison (lighthouse reference?).
Danny Hamilton - died when his arm was ripped off by “a rotating driveshaft”. Love it when you talk technical, Tosh. Looks like his widow’s been paid off by nasty Norski Forst Energy even though he was teetotal and it wasn’t his fault as they were clearly all drunk on that oil rig apart from him. Never mind, Tosh is soon off to Norway to sort that out.
Nobody’s taken Malone’s shotgun off him I see. Must have applied for a licence when he was still in jail, as you do. Strangely intimate meeting with Kate Kilmuir (TWIN SISTER TO MURDERED LIZZIE) who suggests he needs to stop rocking “the Charles Manson look.” As this would involve plastic surgery it seems a bit of an ask.
“Some leds aroond heer lest neet treed tae berry me aleeve!” Come on Tommy, that’s no excuse for bad grooming. And get that generator fixed! Oho, get that wee wave at Kate’s daughter. As if...as if….they might be related in some way
The van in question (not the one at the Wildlife Sanctuary, keep up) has been sold to Benny who was the witness crucial to convicting Thomas back in the day. Now he owns a garage and a blue boiler suit. His beard’s almost as bad as Malone’s. Sandy goes to his garage. “Is this your digger?” No, and what’s more the van’s off to the crusher. More men in blue boiler suits stand around threateningly. Sandy knows kung fu, though, and beats the living daylights out of them. Or perhaps I imagined that.
Cassie has cycled to Hillswick from Lerwick in about ten minutes to volunteer at the Wildlife Sanctuary, where she and Alan begin to establish a soulful and tender relationship. They have been kissed by a loving seal, or maybe an otter. Tosh and Jimmy pursue the missing Andreas through his rented house on Whalsay, which is surrounded by trees and is clearly in Barrhead or Mauchline in ‘real life’. Handily, he’s left his wallet which has Sally’s business card in it. Aha! The Volvo is still looking good. The cottage doesn’t meet Tosh’s conception of Scandinavian chic:
“I was hoping for something a bit more hygge - is that Norwegian or Danish? It means the complete absence of anything annoying.”
Grumpy Jimmy: “Unfortunately that’s not a concept I’m familiar with.” Read some interior design magazines, pal.
Hold on. We have a major development. From a lab. And it’s to do with Alan Killick, because his name is on a form and circled in pen. Partial secondary DNA on the scarf used to strangle Lizzie Killickmuirmarnockintilloch turn out to be related to Alan Killick “on the male side.” (And by the way 'Preserved Killick' is a major character in Patrick O'Brian's superb Aubrey/Maturin novels).
“That narrows things down quite a bit.” Uh huh.
Volvo! Mine has been in the garage for six months. This is upsetting.
We’re back at Hillswick with Killicks, who don’t have a kiln and are not the Kilmuirs, but whose dad Kevin may have killed a Kilmuir, but not a Killick. Or maybe a Kirkintilloch or a Kilmarnock. Cassie’s still hanging about. Jimmy’s not happy. Mrs Wildlife used to get beaten up by Kevin. Maybe she...no. Too simple.
They decide to dig up the body of Kevin who’s been dead for eight years because his wife, Mrs Wildlife, hasn’t kept his toothbrush. “My dad didn’t do it!” says Alan. The grave is opened. Alan’s in Jo Halley’s house raking through Sally’s belongings, claiming he “just wants to spend the night in her room.” Normal. At least Jo seems to think so. “Fancy a coffee?” Maybe a seal has escaped.
Benny Ray, garagiste, boiler suit wearer, was known as Benny Blue (boiler suit or pills?) and was “Shetland’s answer to Liam Gallagher” back in the day, apparently, though it should be said right now that Liam WAS NOT, IS NOT and NEVER WAS a drug dealer or a police informant. Or, for that matter, a guitarist, though he was and is a fine singer in my opinion.
Here’s the gruesomely puntastic forensic elderly doctor woman as they exhume Kevin Killick’s Korpse. Some people don’t like this kind of thing, she says, but “it’s no skin off my nose, though there are some who find the whole process hard to stomach.” She’s a one with that medical black humour, isn’t she?
OK, loads of stuff comin’ now. CCTV from Norway shows Sally with Andreas (WE’RE GOING TO BERGEN!) Malone drops a mobile phone. Drew MacColl had Benny Blue as an informer which means he should NOT have been a witness at the trial. Jimmy chins Benny outside Benny’s grandson’s school, where the peerie lad asks about a model figure, and I’m not talking Kate Moss. Told you. Telt ye! Jimmy produces He Man/Lego Larry, the one he found at the grave. Gotcha! Except he hasn’t. Back to the Volvo. Tosh is off to Norway, flight’s at seven. Jimmy can’t go because of Cassie and the Other Dad. He and Duncan stare soulfully into each other’s eyes. Will they? Won’t they?
Thomas is moaning in his house with all these dodgy drawings of Lizzie OR HER TWIN SISTER Kate, who’s outside trying to get in. She loves you, Thomas! How can you be so blind! Or maybe you’re not.
Procurator Fiscal Rhona arrives at the Lodberrie to announce that Kevin Killick’s is NOT the DNA from Lizzie’s strangle-scarf. What’s more Kevin WAS NOT ALAN’s DAD. Obviously it couldn’t have been Alan, who was just a boy or not born, so WHO IS ALAN’s REAL DAD? Not Drew, because that would mean….Chinatown!
Malone passes that bus stop. He hallucinates, sees the young Lizzie again. Or maybe her TWIN SISTER. Then he goes off, gets a hammer, and beats Benny Blue to a pulp. Really.
Next, Norway. Tosh is tough but can she cope with trolls? And Norwegian drink prices?
Is Benny black and blue or bludgeoned to bloody obliteration?
Will Jimmy and Duncan finally admit their feelings for each other?
Volvos or Saabs in Bergen?
More next week!